Selling Flowers at the Airport

My last beer, ever.

The Meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything

It's debatable what that is of course.  The simple answer is duh, 42.

But I mean, when I was introduced to cheese and exploring FOOD in general several years ago, I might have said food.  (I was raised by a mother who hated to cook/bake, and to this day she's like, "What's an avocado?!"  In her defense, I grew up eating the "food groups", it was just usually boxed grains, canned/frozen veg and a meat.  A lot of casserole and chili.)

When I was introduced to BEER, that seemed like a really great reason to be here too.  Especially once I discovered there was something better than Guinness (my first beer) thanks to my supersexyboyfriend (he HATES that I call him that, so now I can make sure he never reads my blog) who crafts his own brews, I was like Guinness?  Shite!  And continued on into other craft brews and fell into love with BEER.  And the boyfriend too. ;)

Then, after frankly a lifetime of what I assumed were normal bodily malfunctions which led up to an errant trainwreck of them, I ended up in the hospital.  A lot.
One of the findings was that I was lactose-intolerant.  (Which, if you read the last post, you'll know that the saving grace of this finding was that, well thank THE FUCKING POWERS THAT BE THAT AT LEAST I'M NOT ACCURSED WITH THE INABILITY TO TOLERATE GLUTEN.)

(see what I did there?  A PRAYING Mantis.  Ha!)

But nooooooope.  So when the doc called I had already opened up this bottle of beer, left by supersexyboyfriend, an 'Aud Bruin'.  LIKE I AM NOT GOING TO DRINK IT.

It's like when you are eating cookies, and you accidentally eat the last one before you realize it was the last one.  YOU HAVE TO KNOW.  You have to know it is the last one, so you can properly savor it.  

I never said goodbye to cheese.

So I WILL say goodbye to beer.

My whole point is, you know those nice cultists at the airport selling flowers at the airport?  I think I've got it figured out.  They all have gastro-intestinal/endocrine or other issues.  They're always skinny right?  They've just decided to give it all up, cuz - what's the point?!  So they sell it all, decide to keep it simple and eat ya know, fruit, and wear a sheet.  Simple, easy.  And share the love at the airport, where love is needed.  Always spread love, not VD.

I even have a RECIPE for you.

That's how nice I am.  I might be a little angsty, but I can still share.

This is my recipe for DF (dairy-free) GF (as luck so happens since I'd developed this prior to today) mashed potatoes!

Easy Instant DF/GF Mashed Potatoes:

recipe may not be reproduced without written permission of Katherine Alexander

1. Take your box of Gluten-free (most are) Instant Mashed Potatoes (whatever serving size you need)

2. Follow the instructions EXCEPT:

    Replace milk with almond milk

    Replace butter with Coconut Oil

3. When finished cooking add the following:

     salt and pepper to taste

     Cayenne Pepper (opt.)

     1 tsp. Passion Flower (as an herbalist I have this on hand, this is optional but I put in almost everything!)

     1 tsp. (or more based on serving size you made) Basil

     1 tsp. (or more based on serving size you made) Oregano

~ the seasonings are key for making it taste like "real" mashed potatoes but you can adjust them to your taste.  If you don't add the spices, they will taste "off/different" but if you do, I find I prefer these to dairy potatoes!

ENJOY, and catch you next time ;)

And Her Name Shall Be Written in... Snow

No recipe today... instead I'm going to do:

PRODUCT REVIEW TIME!

Shewee!

I bought this for several reasons:

1. I think port-a-pottys are inhumane.
2. I too want to be able to just unzip and let fly.
3. IT'S JUST FUCKING COOL.
4. I have a little penis envy.  I mean, with the convenience alone, I think all ladies wonder at some point in time.  Just like guys likely wonder what the converse would be like, though they'd never admit it.

So, mine looks this:

but Shewee (The Original Female Urination Device since 1999) has all kinds of new ones and colors.

(I bought this simple one from Amazon HERE.)

VERDICT?

I tried it out in the shower first (for obvious reasons).

First try = worked like a charm.

I can't wait to write my name in the snow, and pee wherever I want like all dem boys.

Spa Bar

Ok so my friend and I each purchased one of these at Finger Lakes Wine Fest from Shane's Forever Files this year after an impressive demonstration.  You wet the glass abrasive bar, and gently rub in a circular motion on your leg, and voila!

It get's right of the hair, as well as exfoliates as it removes the outer dead layer of skin.  Awesome, right?

We sure thought so.

She used hers last weekend when she was in the Adirondacks on her knees to her toes and came back going "Oh my God it's sooooo awesome!  My legs were the smoothest they've ever been!"

I naturally had to hurry up and try mine out.

I proceeded to follow the instructions to the letter and shave ie "buff" my legs clean of hair, and slough off some icky dead skin too.  

My first thought was, "Wow this is sweet!  They are soooo silky!"

Half an hour later, I had finished both legs, and I proceeded to finish the rest of my ablutions.  (Ya know, wash my dirty self).

The problem was though, my thighs started burning really bad.  My knees down were ok, and I remembered thinking after the first thigh that a little discomfort was normal and not to worry about it.

But it soon became more like:

And I'm just rushing through rinsing the conditioner from my hair so I can put some gorram lotion or duct tape soft soothing kittens or SOMETHING to my burning legs.

I got out of the shower and gingerly patted my legs dry. 

I already had a bit of a rash on one thigh appearing at this point.

By night's end:

So much as sitting down to pee was torture because there was naturally a rash on the back of my legs too.

It's just a glass bar.  And water.  No soap, nothing else.

I did immediately apply aloe after shower (which helps my sunburn, so figured it was the best thing to soothe rather than further, and didn't help any).

Needless to say, I'm going to say this one is a NOPE.  NO NO NO NEVER AGAIN.  

Now like I said, my friend loves it.

Maybe my pasty white skin is just too delicate.  He did offer a money back guarantee, and since after the first use I looked like I have a serious case of some flesh-eating disease, I plan to see if he honors that.

On a happier note...

I went kayaking for the first time thanks to the same friend who loves her Spa Bar.

It was awesome, and the kids loved it too.

My daughter nailed it right away (and just what she needed since she'd broken her toe the day before and was bummed about missing out on things).  

Friend and children were all graceful and despite my best efforts, and sore muscles and a sunburn gained, I'm positive I looked like this from all the splashing and minimal progress made whilst I was "kayaking" if you could call it that:

Until next time, keep it classy neighbors.

I miss cheese

MMMMMMMMM.  Cookie.

If you're starting to wonder why every blog begins with a selfie, especially if you personally know me (and know how I feel about them), there is a reason.  I want people to read my blog because they like what they are reading.  (And below is the recipe for this particular AWESOME cookie recipe, so hey).  I am an ordinary woman.  I rarely wear makeup.  I try to stay healthy.  I want equality for everyone and I think one of the ways to do this is to avoid glamorization.  (this is just my opinion, and I think so many women and men are beautiful people.  And I do all the makeup/wardrobe and art design for a side project of mine: girlanachronism.blogspot.com, and "The Girl Anachronism Project" page on Facebook, so I'm not saying it doesn't have a place... I love it for the sake of art... which is why I don't wear makeup myself very often because I'm like "oooo!  canvas!" :

I'm going to start sharing a recipe EVERY day (ahem, every time I blog, which I am going to *try* to do daily).

Why?

Well, because I love to cook, bake and more importantly, experiment.  I'm all like :

(this is me in the kitchen.  Mostly because I sing/dance like a crazy person because I rock out to Pandora with my surround stereo in there.)

Also, because I fairly recently discovered that I am lactose-intolerant, and not like the not-so-bad kind where I can take a lactaid pill and nosh down some cheese.  The 'THERE IS NO GOD I CAN HAVE NO CHEESE OR LACTOSE OF ANY KIND EVER' kind.  To be fair, when I found out, this was my thought process when I was on the phone with my doc:

Dr: "Well, I'm sure this is no surprise to you, but you're extremely lactose-intolerant.  

Me: (silent).  (thinking : 'oh my God.  I can never have cheese.)

Dr: "You're going to have to be extremely careful, and read labels on everything.  Lactose is in almost everything."

Me: (thinking: 'I CAN'T HAVE CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!') (pause)  "Wait, what about the gluten test?"

Dr: "That was negative, you aren't gluten reactive."

Me: "Thank God I can still have beer!!!!"

Feel free to try my recipes without trepidation, as I always make my lactose-tolerant eating children and friends taste-test my recipes as well, so I can get a gauge for how they compare to the "real thing".

The goal for all my recipes is to slowly, one by one, convert/combine/create all my favorite foods I can no longer have into things I can, that still taste like the real deal.

recipe:

Dairy-Free Chocolate Raspberry Granola Cookies

recipe may not be used without written permission of Katherine Alexander

3/4 C + 2T Coconut Oil (softened for 10 sec. in microwave)

3/4 C packed Dark Brown Sugar

1/2 C Granulated Sugar

________  cream these 3 with electric mixer 1 min (until combined)

Add:

1 egg

2 tsp vanilla

1.5 C Unbleached All-Purpose Flour

2 tsp Baking Soda

.5 tsp Salt

________ Stir all these until Incorporated

Add:

3 Cups "Love Crunch" Brand "Dark Chocolate Raspberry" Granola (it's dairy free)

Stir.

Drop by tsp-T spoonful on aluminum foil lined baking sheet and bake at 375 degrees F for 10-12, until edges are just golden brown.

Yield: 4-5 dozen

Until next time.....

I have many more things to share that will make your life simpler, easier, and tastier.  So subscribe and don't miss the next post.