Fuck This Game Grandma You Win

So... the Ice Bucket Thing.

I think it's awesome that the cause has raised (well as of like two days ago upwards of 22M).  

I however don't like being bullied.  So I'm the fence about the whole thing, and honestly it is because I don't like being told what to do.  

Like sewing patterns.  WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THESE THINGS?!

Ok.  Seriously.  

I've been sewing/designing my own clothes since middle school.  

I just now finally broke down (well a year ago I bought it, and then I tried to get a friend who rocks at them, she's like a crafty ninja to help me and she's like "It's easy, just read it.")  

So a month ago, I started.  It was like this:

Particularly because the only reason I was attempting the damn thing was because I was trying to make something I couldn't just 'throw together'.  I was trying to make something to make my 2nd anniversary with my sexyboyfriendman special.  It was supposed to come out like this:

But instead I tried desperately to follow it and just kept fucking it up.  I tread on, and re-cut piece after piece.  Sewed.  Tore out.  Re-sew.  When I finally got an assembled top section: it's not gonna fit right cuz I'm a fat-ass.  Like seriously getting my gut-problems in order means I need to watch what the fuck I eat.  Damn it.  So now I feel like a month of working on this is like:

for fucking nothing.

But I digress.  

The point was: I want to start a charity thing (cuz if it's my idea, and weird and creepy, I'm totally into it.  To be fair, I donate money to charities every year, and I've even Team Captained the American Cancer Society Run for Life event, thrown charity events, etc. so I'm not butthurt about helping people).

POINT:

Let's help for something that affects ALMOST EVERYONE and maybe feel some solidarity if you're too poor to donate to the cause!

Ice bucket/schmice bucket.

I'm willing to let someone pour a bucket of pig's blood a la Carrie over me if a: someone can get me the blood (although I can probably get a butcher to donate for the cause) and I raise $500 to this cause.

OR:

I'll use a fake blood mixture and c'mon, y'all do it with, IF YOU WANT.  I may challenge though, just cuz fuck it seems to work.  YAY FOR BULLYING!

Full disclosure: we won't look hot like this. (Hot?  Is she legal yet?)

So I'm going to do this anyway, and try to stir up some interest.

Post the vid next time, once I get someone to film.... pig's blood for real if you donate the CASH!

I fly like paper, get high like cranes

OMG IT'S A BIRD!  IT'S A CRANE!  Oh yeah.  A crane.

So I am trying to make 1000 cranes.  This has already been like almost a year at least in the making, I just fold them while I'm on the phone with tedious (requires no thought) clients at work or on hold etc.  When I get to 1000 - wish time bitches!

The more you know

(you have to read it singing the "duh da da daaaaaa")

Did you know ladies, that to clean your hair straightener, all you need is a used dryer sheet?

I get gunk on mine cuz I use it on my models prior to photo shoots when they already have product in their hair.  Easy solution?  Turn it on, then insert used dryer sheet (don't toss those out!) and press down, pull out the sheet.  Then while open, look and wipe down the brown gunk from the sides till gone.  The little clear "mistiness" remaining wipe with clean towel.  

Clean as NEW!

I am a superhero, maybe

So, gastro shit aside, I got my blood work back from my primary care dr (cuz this bitch is 30 for one thing and never gotten the cholesterol checked!) and DUDE!

My good cholesterol (which you want to be high) is off the charts!!  Normal is 40-60 she said.  Mine is 108!  I love impressing the doctors for GOOD REASONS.  And I'm so far away from diabetes I should never have to worry especially since I hate sweet shit.  (natural is good, but fake = blech).  My bad cholesterol amazing, etc. etc.  Most importantly my thyroid and liver = optimal!  WHOO FUCKING HOO.  (ahem.  Not that I was worried).

Yeah.... buddy.

OK.

Next time... Let there be blood!

I've been drinking.  It's no Friday.  No proofreading.  You don't like it?  Suck it.  

Better than Chocolate

Gluten Free & Dairy Free, Week Three

This is "ngb : Gluten Free Lager"

Review time:

1. ngb Gluten Free Lager

          I tried the first one at room temp, as I used to drink glutenous lagers.  Don't do this.  

          This one is the second one, and I am drinking it cold, and honestly, it tastes like beer.  It tastes like a light beer reminiscent of a lighter beer I wouldn't normally choose but most importantly, it tastes like beer.  It's made with Sorghum.  Next one I want to try is red rice beer.

2. Dr. McDougall's Asian Noodles

          I bought two: Teriyaki and Pad Thai.  Mostly cuz another thing I really miss is chinese food.  I've only tried the Pad Thai so far, and it's REALLY GOOD.  And for $1.99, cheaper than chinese food.  Bargain and a win.

3. Thai Kitchen Instant Rice Noodle Soup

          Again I bought two: Lemongrass & Chili and Garlic Vegetable.  I bought these because I missed Ramen Noodles.  I've tried the Garlic Vegetable.  SOOOOO GOOD!  Definitely a great replacement, and a far healthier one at that.  And only $1.00/package at Wegmans.

4. My cereal replacement of choice right now is a combination of things:

    liveGfree Very Berry Crunch Granola and Kashi Organic Promise Indigo Morning (with my homemade milk, this morning it was rice).

    This was a great combination, and I'm not just saying this, but it was better and a fuller flavor and more filling than any other cereal I had before, so I don't even miss my Raisin Bran Crunch!

5. liveGfree Baked Chewy Bars

          I bought two: Cocoa Loco & Very Berry.  Only had the Cocoa Loco so far... and when you need a chocolate fix WHOA.  This is the solution!!!!   Perfect and not a fake taste at all, tastes real and fulfilling.

*A lot of people complain that "healthy" or diet restrictions (such as gluten and lactose free) are expensive.  The initial price tag on some items can seem dicey.  You have to shop around, and shop smart.  I shop at Aldi, the local bulk places like Sauders, New Hope Mills, the amish bulk place on Grant Ave (I am brain-farting on the name) and Wegmans (and even online from nuts.com and Amazon), and I make a lot of items from scratch.  So far for months my food budget has NOT gone up, and I've been doing dairy free for months and gluten free for almost a month.  

You just have to shop smart.

I have lived a sheltered life in so many ways...

I just ate real risotto for the first time a week ago.  And it was so creamy it made me... 

mouthwateringly remember the equally amazing ribs I had for the first time as well.  What did you think I was gonna say?  Pervert.  

But seriously... my super amazing super sexy super smart boyfriend (I know, I know, must be imaginary right?)  Some of my friends think he is.  Well he's not.  I'll show you a picture right now.

That's right.

Anyway... sorry my pants got excited AGAIN... what was I talking about?  Ribs and Risotto, right!

So I had only tried ribs once before many a year ago and as I tried to pry the meat off the bone I immediately became grossed out at the idea of gnawing on an animal's rib cage and just couldn't do it.  I almost hurled.  That was the end of the idea of "ribs" for me (I wasn't enthused before, I was being egged on to try them then).

So sexy boyfriend man was like, "Whoa, you've been missing out.  Hang on, those were not made right."  He brought over his pressure smoker, and 45 minutes later, we had melt in your mouth, slide off the bone ribs.  Needless to say, I'm a convert.  

As for risotto, his flabber was equally gasted that I had not had this before.  He made me crimini mushroom, onion and garlic risotto and even patiently showed me how to make it.  This was equally *there's a party in my mouth* amazing.  The menage of flavors was superb, and it was so nice to have something so creamy and complex with my limited diet!

I tried making this myself this past week and I used a different stock to try for a different flavor and managed to make a kick-ass risotto myself!  (Even managed to properly 'steam', or is it 'salt'? dammit! whatever it is [another brainfart] I did it right with the mushrooms).

But the recipe I have isn't that... it's for something else I made that I turned GF/DF that even the "normies" approved!

Recipe: DF/GF Pumpkin Waffles

Recipe may not be reproduced without written permission from Katherine Alexander

~recipe adapted from thebakingbeauties.com

3/4 C Brown Sugar

6 T Cornstarch

2.5 C GF Flour *

.5 tsp xanthan gum

3 tsp baking powder

1 tsp salt

3.5 tsp cinnamon

3 tsp ground ginger

.5 tsp ground clove

4 eggs

2 C rice milk

2 C pumpkin puree

.5 C melted coconut oil

1. Combine sugar and corn starch by whisk.  Whisk in remaining dry ingredients.

2. Mix pumpkin puree, eggs and milk in separate bowl.

3. Pour in melted coconut oil (to pumpkin mixture).

4. Combine mixtures til only few (if any) lumps remain.

Once your waffle iron is warm, cook as usual to your desired crispiness!  

NOTE:  you do NOT need to spray iron before each waffle as normal (due to coconut oil) - BONUS!

*GF All Purpose Flour: 4 C Superfine Rice Flour (brown or white), 1 C arrowroot, 1 C tapioca starch (whisk together and store airtight, or if using quickly, just shake it up in a big ziploc!)

Fuck Bees

Ok, I'm pretty pacifist when it comes to living creatures.  I even have plants designated in my "landscape" (I have a ton of plants, and I let the backyard go au natural for the most part, partially because animals/insects like it, partially cuz I have better things to do than mow, partially cuz I don't see the difference, partially because I eat the weeds that grow there!) specifically for attracting bees because I know honey bees need these, and I leave my bamboo wind chimes up all year, because I see them scurrying in and out them storing pollen.. all this is to say I like what they do.  Bees are important.

However, we were cutting up wood in my backyard and one particular piece that had laid fallen for some time one particular bee must have fancied his turf or something cuz he got PISSED.  At one point my friend (doing the cutting) said "You have a bee on your back" and I froze on instinct but said "Ha ha."  (Did I mention that how some people are irrationally afraid of spiders I am of bees?)

We should have these.  For the godless dicks that don't pollinate but hate.

Anyway, there WAS a bee on my back, but he gently brushed it off, and it went about it's merry way, and so did we.  

What we obviously didn't know is this bumblebee dick was giving a warning.  

So we went on doing what we were doing keeping an eye out for him, and he seemed to be keeping away, but he was obviously in an out in some sort of a warrior warning, and we're just picking up wood going,

la la la.

Then all a sudden he swoops near me (and I had been moving SLOWLY AND FUCKING CAREFULLY MIND YOU!) and I crouch to the ground and freeze like a little bitch hoping he'll go away.  Nope.  He did not take this gesture of peace, he landed on my stomach, and I look at him thinking, maybe he'll pause or go away, after all, the back incident right?  He was there like 15 seconds doin' nothin'!

NOPE.  That little fuzzy asshole immediately tips his ass into me and fucking stings me.  I yelp and swat him away and run into the house like a little bitch.  

It was then I realized my 11 year old is still outside with the bloodthirsty bumblebee and I can't remember if they can sting more than once.

So I go to the porch door, tell them to come inside, and then I apply a baking soda poultice.  Still, what a dick.  (I haven't been stung since I was like 12, when I was attacked by a swarm along with my friend on an old wooden playground in our hometown, and I couldn't open one eye or close a leg etc. for two weeks... so I guess I have a psychological issue with things that can friggin sting me.  Oh yeah, and then there was that time I woke up and my bedroom was literally filled with them... see it's ALL COMING BACK TO ME!)

THEN, just yesterday, I leave my car door open for two minutes lugging out DJ equipment and a wasp gets in so I ended up in a 15 minute battle trying to get it out (or dead, whichever first but I was armed only with a coffee spoon) and to be fair, this WAS life and death.  If that thing came flying out at me while I was driving I would've freaked and driven off the road or worse, into someone else.  

THAT FUCKING I KILLED.

Until next time, kill or bee killed.  

(bwahahahhahahaha see what I did there?!)

 

Fitter, Happier, More Productive

Glutenless, Lactosefree, Has Not Killed Self Yet

It's the perfect satirical The Onion-style heading for this entry.  In all seriousness, so far so good.

You may or may not have noticed this about children, but they usually have too many damned toys.  

Not this toy.  This is flippin' bad ass.

When presented with too many options, it's sensory overload.

Likewise, after a little research and making handy-dandy charts like these:

(menu/shopping list found here)

(the other is a compilation of gluten-safe and non grains, and how to substitute flour, and I will make more of these for basic smoothies etc.  I laminated them, and keep them on the fridge.  On the back of the menu planner is a pretty cloud background paper so kids and I can write important notes for the week, and the back of the gluten grain info sheet is a list of pantry staples, so I don't run out of must-haves).

So point is: yes, dairy and gluten free is very restrictive.  However, I'm finding I kind of like it.

1. It's far healthier than the traditional "Western Diet" (check out "Forks Over Knives" - great book available through their site and local bookstores like Downtown Books and Coffee here in Auburn.)

2. It's simple.  It's basic.  And I'm forced to explore more.  I'd already been making my own milks but I'm now seeking alternatives to things I hadn't before out of necessity instead of curiosity due to more of an urgency.

3. I'm being forced to shy away from processed foods, which I'd been working on and is also, SURPRISE, great for you.  

4. And I appreciate the little things more, like how an awesome coworker today brought me a few sorghum-based gluten-free beers today.  I was so touched; and I can't wait to have beer again, and give you guys another review blog!

RECIPE!  GF, DF Glazed Chocolate Stuffed Donut Muffins

Recipe may not be reproduced without written permission of Katherine Alexander

Glaze:

1.5 C Confectioners Sugar

pinch salt

1 tsp vanilla

1/4 C cold water

Chocolate Filling:

1/4 C Coconut Oil - warmed in microwave 7 seconds

3 tsp vanilla

1/2 C unsweetened cacao (or pure cocoa) powder

2-3 C confectioners sugar

1-3T Almond Milk

Donut Muffin:

1/4 C Coconut Oil - warmed in microwave 7 seconds

1/4 C canola oil

1/2 C cane sugar

1/3 C brown sugar

------ 1. Cream the above ingredients until smooth with electric mixer.

2. Preheat oven to 425 degrees F.

3. Line muffin tin(s) with 16 paper liners, and spray briefly with one shot your preferred nonstick spray.

4. Add to batter: 

2 large eggs, and beat until incorporated.

Add:

3 tsp baking powder

1 tsp. cinnamon

3/4 tsp salt

2 tsp vanilla

----- cream until mixed.

5. slowly mix in 1 C milk (either hemp or almond work great, I have not tried another yet)

and one of the following flour combinations:

variation A: 1 C Rice Flour, 1 C Chickpea Flour, 1/3 C Arrowroot Powder & 1/3 C Tapioca Flour

or variation B: 1 C Almond Flour, 1 C Rice Flour, 1/3 C Arrowroot Powder & 1/3 C Tapioca Flour

*I used Hemp Milk with variation B, and Almond with variation A.

6. Fill each cup 1/4 C full (will be nearly full).

7. Bake 15 min (toothpick inserted in middle should come out clean, and they will be lightly golden).

While they are baking, make your glaze by mixing all your ingredients together with electric mixer on Medium.

Then make your filling:

Warm the coconut oil, then cream in the vanilla, and start with 1.5 C sugar and 1 T milk and cocoa, and add from there.  The consistency/amount can be changed by adding more sugar and milk, so this has a lot of wiggle-room!  I like it a fudgy/frosting like consistency.  (and this is what I use for a DF/GF frosting!)

When your muffins come out of the oven, wait for them to be at least mostly cool, and glaze.  Place a small amount in the middle and it will settle smoothly out to the sides, like a perfect donut glaze!  Feel free to add sprinkles at this point before the glaze hardens but CHECK THE SPRINKLE labels (most are not GF, DF).

Then, once entirely cool, fill a frosting tube like this:

(this is a terrible tutorial pic, but you can see the kind of tube I mean, mine is from Pampered Chef)

And pump that deliciousness in there!  Start slow, and watch the top of the muffin.  You'll want to insert the tip about halfway into the muffin, and then watch as the top of the muffin just starts to expand and then STOP!

Even my 8 & 11 year olds got this down to a science on their first try, so I guarantee you it's easy!

DID YOU KNOW?!

Fermented foods are super good for you.  Not like, you left something sitting on the counter too long accidentally and it's gone foul fermented, but the legit kind.

And so as I go off to DJ tonight I am not sad that I cannot have beer, because I can eat fermented healthy goodness!

Next time: user review on GLUTEN FREE BEER!  (not that cider shit.  Blech.)